How do I build a good mentor/mentee relationship?

Advice for mentees on building an effective relationship

Illustration by Hannah Chen

This article was originally published here

During the summer of 2020, I was fortunate to connect to a fellow mentee named Lily Konings through ADPList. She runs her own blog, but was looking to collaborate with other designers to help answer questions submitted by readers. I decided to tackle the most upvoted question at the time:

“How do I build a good mentor/mentee relationship?”

Although new to the game, I have spoken to over 60 individuals for over an hour at a time within a 8 month period through ADPList and am also an active mentor within our design team at Lyft. I have discovered there are multiple factors that contribute to building a relationship and hopefully these tidbits will help you think about the relationship with your mentor and how to effectively spend your time with them.

Coach vs. Mentor

Did you know there is a difference between a coach and mentor? I didn’t.

To begin, I think it is important to understand the difference between each role and their responsibilities to set proper expectations.

• A Coach: has a specific goal or tasks in mind, is performance driven, and has a defined ending once a skill is mastered.
• A Mentor: has an unbiased relationship which can last over a long period of time and is focused on the future and growth of their mentee, with no specific metrics of success.

Although there are overlapping qualities of both, I would have to say one thing: a coach and mentor are empathetic towards the individual they are helping.

As a mentee…

Alright, so you found someone to help you with your journey! Now what? Let’s set you up for success with these simple bits of advice.

1. Come Prepared

Show respect for yourself, your mentor, and the relationship you’ll both be building by being proactive and organized. Depending on how your relationship or program was set up, put the work in on how you want to be mentored by scheduling the meetings, arriving with questions and follow-ups, and being explicit on what you want from each interaction.

• Create a running document: Share a document for both individuals to take notes, comment, and reflect back on. Before starting a meeting, look back on past action items and create a lightweight itinerary for discussion.
• Establish a recurring meeting: Should you meet once a week? Bi-weekly? Once a month? Find a proper balance that works best for both individuals. Pro-tip: be sure to make the invite editable by both parties for flexible scheduling and create an agenda in advance to help prepare your mentor better.

Hold yourself accountable, create action items for yourself, and make it as easy for your mentor as possible for a continued relationship in the long-run.

2. Make it a conversation, not an interview

Be interactive with your mentor and let your curiosity drive follow-up questions, rather than move from topic to topic like an interview. Establish loose topics for each meeting, such as “case study review” or “career advice” and see where the conversation leads.

• Use open-ended questions: Try to ask questions to drive a conversation and avoid simple yes or no type of questions. Which question do you feel will help you get a better response: “Are you hungry?” vs “What sorts of things do you like to eat for dinner?”
• Be genuine: This mentorship may be primarily about professional growth, but it’s always nice to get to know people in a more holistic way. A question such as “What have you been up to since we last spoke?” will help both individuals discover hobbies, interests, or other things that are relatable to help build a stronger bond and level of trust between each other. This question is also general enough that people can choose how vulnerable they want to be. Take the time to share some about yourself outside of your professional life before jumping right into design or work.

3. Be comfortable with discomfort

We’ve all experienced it — the uncomfortable feedback from a peer, coworker, or even a family member or partner. Although these criticisms are meant to support you with personal growth, they can sting at first.

• Keep an open mind: Don’t get defensive with feedback given. Mentors come from a good place and would like to see you succeed, but it sometimes requires getting out of your comfort zone to understand places you need improvement on.
• Trust your mentor: What your mentor says at the time may not make sense, but trust their years of experience. Don’t feel intimidated to ask for clarifying answers to help you understand where they are coming from. A design mentor once recommended I take an Introduction to Improv class. “Improv? What does improv have to do with design?” However, after taking the class, I recognized I was much more comfortable facilitating meetings or presenting my work. Like your parents giving you advice when you were a teenager, it may not be applicable until years later.
• Look outside your field: Do designers know best? Of course! Just kidding. At work, I participated in our own mentorship program and was partnered with a UX Research mentee on another team. Although we have never met, it was a place for us to discuss improving gaps in our workflows, communication, and the differing promotion processes between each role. You may surprise yourself on how much you will learn from cross-functional partners about how to work better with others who aren’t designers.

4. Avoid distractions

The title says it all! During these unusual times, do your best to focus your attention on the conversation. The last thing you want to do is waste the time of you and your mentor.

• Find somewhere private: A crowded household may be impossible to avoid during shelter-in-place, but do your best to find a private and quiet place to keep your attention on the conversation.
• Put that phone away: I have experienced a couple of virtual meetings where individuals would have their notification sounds turned on. Trust me, Instagram “likes” can wait. Not only is it distracting for a mentor focused on a thought or the conversation, but it also leaves a negative impression, implying your attention is somewhere else.

Closing thoughts

Being organized, practicing your conversation skills, and learning how to navigate your emotions will create an effective and safe space for you and your mentor.

Are there other pieces of advice that have helped you and your mentor? I am curious to hear them! My DMs are open on Twitter @chrisota, email me at chris@otadesigns.com, or comment below.

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